Finis

I thank you all for the courage and kindness and the amazing generosity that you have given me and my family during this trying and triumphant time. So many of you reached out in so many loving ways. I'm so very grateful.

I hope I meet you all at one of Amacker's many wonderful parties.

Song of the Day: China Doll

A long time ago at a New Year’s Eve Show in Oakland, the Grateful Dead played a devastatingly sad song called “Stella Blue”, and because of several things that were going on in my life I felt so sad that I feared my heart might stop right there.

It was Amacker who sensed that despair and reached her arms around me and brought me back to the place where I could find my breath. I still owe her a thousand times over for that moment. I hope that when Amacker fears she can’t face another painful physical therapy, or can’t take the drugs that make the pain stop because they make her dizzy or hate food, or whatever the troubles might be… I hope I can bring her back to a place she where she can take a breath and keep going.

For Amacker, the Dead song that tears into her soul is "China Doll." It ends on this pathetic and beautiful lyric that so exemplifies the last six weeks:

"Take up your China Doll
It’s only fractured.
Just a little nervous from the fall.
La la la la la"

And so today’s song of the day is Suzanne Vega performing The Grateful Dead's “China Doll.”

Six Weeks

It was six weeks ago last night that Amacker rode her bike down in a fiery rage of steal, rubber, leather, cement, flesh and blood. For my father it is that image that has haunted him – the thought of what it must have been like for his daughter to know she was going down, and perhaps the helplessness of knowing he couldn't be there to catch her.

Amacker returned home yesterday to see her cats and bird for the first time since the accident. (Gargamel made a hospital, but the rest waited at home.) The plan for the next few weeks is a little less clear to me than the ones past. I don’t know when Amacker will start walking and dancing again. I don’t know when she’ll stop feeling pain. I don’t know when all her wounds will heal over and no longer need dressings and bandages. I don’t know when she’ll type with two hands or stop losing her voice after only a few hours of talking. I don’t know when she’ll climb the stairs to her parapet and cast spells on her world around her. Those things are all up to her. She will push herself harder than she should. My goodness she's moving so quickly. She will get frustrated. She will need help. But really, it’s all up to her.

I do know that my work here on this blog is done. I know it’s done because I can now look Amacker in the eyes and tell her I love her and know she heard me. That’s all I wanted throughout all this. If I can do it, so can you, so you don’t need me chronicling her further journey.

For me the underlying, sometimes crippling fear since the accident has been the realization of just how fragile we all are. I have found myself in tears with the thought that I might walk out my front door and not see again for six weeks the people I love… if ever. I wonder if the people I love know well enough how much I love them -- to know it even if I could never say it again.

I guess there's a lesson in everything.

Song of the Day: Homeward Bound

You don't have this version of a song you know very well. You've never heard this version. You covet it. Maybe if you're crafty you'll realize that you've always had the ability to download the song of the day... maybe you're just clicking on the wrong thing.

For obvious reasons...
Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel performing "Homeward Bound"

Home

Amacker is home.

I'm sitting on a couch next to her in her newly designed recovery lounge. She is teary and excited to be home. She said that Friday the 13th is lucky for her, and indeed it is!

The surgeons failed to schedule her for her skin graft before she left the hospital, so there are a few of us trained-up on the proper techniques for dressing and bandage changes. She also has a nurse / therapist who will come to her home once a day for the next week. Paul will spend the weekend with her, and Katy's here, too. Then Katy has arranged for an army of friends to come do Amacker's bidding over the next week or so.

Most important, she's happy. Amacker wanted so much to be around her things, around her pets, and around the things that are true in her world.

The first picture is of Paul and Amacker, faking Amacker's great escape in Gonzo / Hunter S. style. The second is Katy and Paul doing the real thing.

Song of the Day: I Shall Be Released

I know I've gotten a bit behind with the song of the day. The reasons are simple.

1. With Amacker awake all the time now, I spend more time with her than writing.
2. Now that she's awake, we actually discuss the song of the day, and frankly we can NEVER agree on anything.

That said, Amacker has asked that the song of the day always introduce new music, and maybe in a way that seems familiar. Peter Gabriel's "Summertime" was the first collaboration of ours like that. I won't always meet that requirement, but I'll try.

The news that Amacker will soon leave the hospital has all hands are on deck putting the finishing touches on her home for her return. In fact, I dropped in yesterday to see their progress (I haven't helped one bit!), and I actually heard this quote:

"Katy, between the Cosmologist and the Speech Writer, neither of us can figure out what the f*ck you want."

Tim, the cosmologist, and Lisa, the speech writer, were trying to hang tapestries to the specifications of Katy, the yoga-instructor/dancer/musician wonder-girl... oh my.

Anyway, with Amacker's upcoming release from the hospital, the song choice today was easy. From a recording in 2004 featuring Warren Hayes and one of my very favorite artists, Ray Lamontagne, here is a beautiful cover of Dylan's "I Shall Be Released."

The picture is from Cherry Tart and shows Amacker's feet and the view from her place in Baja. Released indeed!

Gargamel's Visit

Garagmel, probably Amacker's favorite cat, went to visit her a few days ago. And with that I give you the first picture I've posted of Amacker taken post-accident. She looks pretty good!

Gargamel and Amacker went "duck hunting." As it turns out, Gargamel is terribly afraid of the ducks, which is good because it's my daughter Sarah's favorite thing about Stanford hospital... visiting the duck families that live in the families.

Me: "Do you want to come with me to visit your Aunt Amacker?"
Sarah: "Not really."
Me: "We can stop by and see the baby ducks."
Sarah: "Okay, let's go!"

I'm being a bit sarcastic, but the ducks have definately helped motivate Sarah to go with me. Boot, my son, has been most motivated by his new skateboard and Stanfords endless miles of smooth pavement...

There are more pictures from Gargamel's visit below in the post about 5 weeks.

Five Weeks - The Final Stretch

When I say "The Final Stretch", I mean to say that soon Amacker will be release from the hospital to go home, be near the things she loves, and continue her amazing recovery. I don't mean to imply, by any means, that the road ahead of her isn't full of obstacles and difficulties. In many ways the most difficult road lies ahead. The doctors, and nurses, and nurse's assistants, and therapists, and cooks, and orderlies, and shrinks, and cleaning staff -- all of whom have worked so hard for Amacker -- they've done their part, and the next stage is up to Amacker herself, and us to help her through it.

Amacker is currently scheduled to leave the hospital Friday. There will be no marching band. There will be no fanfare. (I say that knowing full well that someone will put together a band and fanfare just to spite me.) But A few of us will roll her out of there for good, take her home and get her settled in her newly arranged home.

Katy and Don have organized a team of many... Paul, Lisa, Tim... so many others... who have come to Amacker's house for several long days, and arranged a downstairs room to be sterile and functional for someone who isn't yet walking, but also to make it very Amacker. There are lovely tapestries on the walls, pieces of art, and interesting lighting. She'll have broadband internet, TiVo, DVDs, phone, and easy access to a restroom and a kitchen. All of it is downstairs and made accessible with ramps and rails. Still, Amacker's amazing library and bedroom wait for her upstairs as yet another carrot in her recovery. To say thank you to that team of people who created Amacker's new space is nothing but of insufficient, and yet there's more.

As we speak, Katy is organizing a team of folks to be with Amacker around the clock for the first week after she gets out. We're going to take turns baby-sitting a woman who, as far as I'm concerned, is completely competent. She might need help with the odd tin of sardines or something, but she's going to get most things done herself. If you'd like to help out with that, please do email me.

Amacker has come a long way. Her full memory is there. Her full voice is there. She can do amazing things physically, especially when you consider she isn't allowed to use her left arm, her left wrist is not listening to her (some significant nerve damage there), and she's not allowed to put any wait on her left leg. She sits up in bed all the time. She gets out of bed and gets herself in her rolly-chair. She can roll her chair in a straight line, which, you know, is more than she could do on her motorcycle. She has far more flexibility in her neck than I ever imagined. She eats what she wants (no chocking hazard), and goes to the bathroom by herself. She'll delight you for hours with stories from before or after the accident. She'll tell you the names of every care provider who visits her. She will even, when asked very nicely, answer the ridiculous questions the psyche care providers ask her.

On Thursday Amacker is scheduled to get a new skin graft on her left shin, covering a place where the first graft didn't take very well, and that will mean all the bits are closed and mending. She'll need dressing changes in a few places several times a day, but she'll be plenty buttoned-up for her return home.

As I said before, it's now up to her, and us. Amacker is VERY motivated and has an amazing positive attitude. She will, of course, need some cheerleading. Some days will be better than others. Some days she won't want to open her eyes, but I have days like that, too.

It's all a bit overwhelming to see her amazing recovery, as you might imagine, but all the kings horses and all the kings men...

Today's Schedule

Amacker has asked that people not visit during the time of her therapy, as she is now going to a "gym" to build strength, and misses seeing people if she's in therapy when they come.

Her schedule today is:
9-10a: Physical Therapy
11-12p: Speech Therapy
3-4p: Occupational Therapy